I started this blog with the idea of it being a community of sorts, with a specific group in mind. The group I had in mind were those men who had endured a specific trauma in their lives. That trauma is abortion. It doesn’t matter how you came to be affected by it, whether it was your choice, or you were left out of the decision altogether. I don’t think you can experience it without being changed. The reason I took that upon myself was because in my own search for others who had similar experiences, I learned that there was almost no support out there. There are a few sites which touch on mens experience, but for the most part, the resources I have found are geared towards women, with men being an afterthought. I don’t think that is due to any great conspiracy. It is just that abortion is commonly thought of as a womens issue. As a whole, I also believe that women are more open and do a better job of supporting each other, while men are more likely to keep everything to themselves and suffer in silence.
I have changed the direction, and the purpose of this blog a few times. The first time was because I realized is that I was not capable of dealing with that issue on a regular basis without it taking over my thoughts and really keeping me in a pit that I couldn’t climb out of. I had not done the work necessesary, and there were a lot of unresolved feelings that I had not learned to handle. The first time I tried this, it was too raw to be of benefit to anyone except myself. I learned a little about writing, and a whole lot about myself.
I tried to change the format to something that dealt with mens issues, in a generic sense. Anger, Depression, Anxiety, Self worth, Addiction, and many other things. I believe those are all worthy causes, and I believe that men need all the help they can get. I tried to tailor the blog towards that end, and in all honesty, I felt like it was lifeless. Those are all serious issues, but they are almost always symptoms of deeper issues. One thing I learned as I sought to address all those things in myself, is that it was the deeper issue that had to be dealt with. Fixing anger means very little, if it leaves you completely vulnerable to everything the anger was masking. If you want to quit drinking, you had better be prepared to deal with everything you were trying to supress. Those are lessons I learned the hard way. I had been in recovery for about a year, but I had misplaced my focus on being a better man, not on being a healed one.
This blog is not about abortion. It is about men. There are many paths that we can take that leave us broken, but abortion is the one that absolutely never gets talked about, and because of that silence, I believe it is one of the hardest to heal from. Even now, I realize that people can be hurt if I speak too loudly, or too openly, so I will remain anonymous here for the sake of those I love.
So I’m going to try this again. It was suggested that I might want to change the name of the blog, but I think it still fits. It may fit more than ever. When I began my own recovery, I had almost no resources. The title refers both to the time I was thrashing about in the dark, but also refers to the fact that when I did choose to change, I really couldn’t find much to point the way. Now the title has one more meaning, in that I really don’t know where this is going to go. I hope it has meaning and I hope it is beneficial to others, but in many ways, I am still walking around in the dark.